harlequinade
by UniqueChaotic
Summary: BatmanxHarley lemon! - When the Joker threatens to blow up half the city its up to batman to save the day. Batman enlists the help of Harley Quin to track down the Joker but what tricks does Harley have up here sleeve and what does it mean for our dark knight?
1. Chapter 1

"He says hes got a bomb big enough to wipe out half of Gotham. If that madman plans to use it, we've got to clear the city." Gordan said into his radio looking out to the distance of the bay."Alerting the public now would only cause a panic,I can't evacuate 10 million people on an empty don't even know if he's still in Gotham." The mayor responded. With a low scoff he turned off the radio.  
"I'll stop him" The dark knight said crouching above him atop a building cape whipping in the wind wet from the mist of rain falling from the sky. "Joker will be extra cautious how are you planning on finding him?" soon as he turned around he was talking to a wall. Every damn time.  
Her ankles where wrapped around the light fixture she swung herself back and forth watching the spot light go from one end of the room to the her blonde pig tails swung she extended her arms out swinging them with her . Harley imagined her self somewhere else. On a trapeze amazing everyone at the jokers show. They all clapped as jumped off and into her beloved Mr.J's arm They stared into each others eyes full of maddening love.  
"Quin"  
The voice interrupted her lime light fantasy. Harley jumped down and pressed herself very tightly against the bars "Call me Harley everyone does" she smiled with big eyes. "I need help" Barman said coldly. Harley chuckled and leaned back onto her bunk "Well, you've come to the right place."  
"You know where he put it dont you" He said. Harley picked at her nails "No idea what youre talking about"  
"The jokers got a bomb if he activates it this whole city will be blown away" She jumped up and pressed her face so hard against the bars the fat of her face was squished. He looked down at the blue eyed maniac excited as ever. He almost felt sorry for her she was a beautiful woman, just another pawn to be used for the joker."So you want me to help you find em!?" She smiled ear to ear.  
The cell door opened and with a look on her face like a child on Christmas she darted out past the big bad bat. He snatched her wrist and yanked her back. "I don't have time for jokes. You help me find the Joker, and they'll write your ticket out of here." She looked up at his angry blue eyes not a speck of fun in them. "Cross me" he squeezed her wrist. "Ow!" She squealed out. "And ill make sure you STAY here". She pucker her bottom lip out and frowned blowing hair out of her face.

"I sense a lack of trust" Harley said yanking at her handcuffs. She was happy to be out she really was but she wanted to enjoy her ride in the batmobile like a human not a chained animal. A call came in through the screen on the dashboard. Robin popped up on the screen. "You sure you dont need any help keeping giggles under control?" He smiled. "No im fine" Batman replied in a steely tone. "Keep an eye out for any leads" Batman said ending the call.  
She had popped out of her handcuffs. "Lets listen to the radio!" Harley smiled pressing a button. "No dont!" He wolfed at her with a raspy voice. She had pushed the booster sending them speeding down perdition bridge. Batman slammed on the emergency brake sending harley jolting forward if not for the seat belt she would have flown right through the glass.  
He turned to her and growled. "Listen to me... You don't touch ANYTHING, say ANYTHING or do ANYTHING unless I tell you!" He was so scary. Joker was scary too much he was so funny! Batman was a stone faced brooder. She took her hands and shoved them in her lap with a pout. She acted like a child Bruce wondered how she was ever a doctor and how joker broke her to this point..."So far, Joker hasn't been seen at any of his old hideouts. I want you to show me the last place he used when he escaped."  
It was an old run down church in the more slum parts of park row. After numerous break ins the pastor had moved to another church in the greater gotham area and it was left run down. She walked in front of him leading the way. The doors were locked with a chain around them. Batman took a lock pick out of his utility belt.  
"Ah ah ah" Harley said waving her finger at him she searched for a brick and pulled out a loose one she reached her hand in the hole and pulled out a key. She smiled as she went to unlock the chains but batman snatched the key from her and opened it himself. "Show off" Harley hissed.  
"Do your detective stuff im going to change into something more comfortable" Harley said taking off her clothes right in front of him. Batman averted his eyes to a wall posted with all types of papers. She walked around in her birthday suit leaving her arkham uniform laying on the floor. He was pretending not to look too busy being all serious but she knew he was looking in the corner of his eyes.  
Alright he was looking. How could he not. She was shaped very nicely her skin looked creamy and soft. No matter how crazy she was you couldnt say she wasnt beautiful. Even though she had her back to him every so often she would turn peeking a cherry blossom colored nipple. Batman put his attention to the evidence. He saw some candid photographs of the mayor outside of his office and home. There were also some of Gordon out to eat with Barbara. Batman furred his brow and crumbled the photo up. He leaned over to a desk and opened a drawer.  
There was a click and before he could react he was hit with a net that wrapped him up in bows. He fell to the floor struggling against the brightly colored ribbons. Harley looked over and smiled at him. She stood in front of him completely naked giving him a full frontal view. "See what happens when you go poking your pointy nose in things" Batman bared his teeth at her. She sat down on top straddling him.  
"Quin..." He said with a warning tone. She leaned forward letting her breasts press against his suit and whispered in his ear "Relax B-man" She sat back up and took off his utility belt. "I just have to know" She smiled reaching around the pants of his suit. "Know what" He questioned.


	2. Chapter 2

Instead of reaching for the mask she reached lower locating the hidden fly zipper on the suit and unzipped. Harley was happily surprised revealing a hardened batman. "I gotta know what its like to be with the big bad bat". She licked her hand and used it to wet herself. This wasnt like how it had been with catwoman he cared for Selina and there was a mutual understanding. Harley was just using him playing with him like a doll for fun.

He squeezed his eyes shut as she immediately began sucking him and practically shoving him down her throat. Harley came up and licked it. "I'll make it quick" she smiled sitting down shoving him inside her. She squealed and lauged as it slipped in. Not as big as Mr.J but fatter. She grabbed the ribbons and used them for balance as she slammed ontop of him.

Batman tried to slow his breathing and calm down. Harley wasn't delicate or gentle by any means. He really didnt want to do this honestly though his body was willing. She was twisted and corrupted by the Joker. It was the kind of thing he would have avoided. She leaned back on her hands and grinded on him spread eagle giving him a full view. It was nice and filling. It felt good being in control she seldom got that from her clown prince. . She took it out and massaged the wetness all over him and herself then shoved it back in her throat.

Batman let out a sigh as she bobbed up and down sending him involuntarily over the edge. "Harley I dont have time for this" He growled out snatching her ankle that was within grasp. What a kill joy! "Fine" She hissed reaching on top of the table. She grabbed a knife and cut him free. He jumped up pushing her out of the way and grabbed his belt adjusting himself.

Batman reached into the drawer and pulled out a folder he opened it up and examined its contents. Harley slipped on a red t shirt and black capri pants. What a sour puss batman cant even have a good time everything had to be so serious. If there was one thing being with joker taught her it was enjoy the good times while they last because EVERYTHING gets worse.

Batman contacted robin though the coms unit in his gauntlet. "I found some papers for a bomb that emits slight radiation. Program the cowl to track high levels of radiation thats where the bomb will be"  
"Ill see you there" robin said clicking out.

"Now if youll excuse me i have to make a confession" The blonde bombshell said walking over to the confessional and shutting the door. He took one last look around before they left. He saw a black piece of leather poking out from the file cabinet. As he got closer he saw it was a black leather book. He grabbed it and inspected it. It was pretty old and covered in dried up blood.

He braced himself as he opened it. 'MY DIARY' It said in the mad mans hand writing 'no peaking' it said down bottom with a smiley face. He scowled as he flipped though. 'Batman' was written in blood over and over on nearly every page. He shut it and put it back casting the image from his mind.  
He made his way back and could hear Harley in the confessional. "When I die and go to heaven please let me bring Mr.J" Batman cringed at her words. "I know hes done alot of bad things but i love him"

She opened the door to see Batman waiting for her. "What's the attraction, Quin? This sick infatuation with the Joker." he asked extending his hand to her to help her step down. "Look, Bats, when I was a doctor I was always listening to other people's problems then he listened to me for a change and made everything fun." She smiled taking batmans hand and stepping down. He forcefully yanked her out the door with him.

"You think it's funny when he hurts people?" Batman asked. "Its just a joke" Harley shrugged. He opened the door to the batmobile and waited for her to get in "Hope you're still laughing when it's your turn" he retorted. Harley frowned at him and got in the damn car what a stick in the mud.  
The highest levels of radiation were coming from the ice berg lounge. Robin dropped down from the shadows and came around to batmas side of the car. "You think joker and penguin are working together?" Robing asked. Harley laughed "Yeah right!" penguin and joker had been going at each other the past year hed never work with that midget.

She felt cold metal claw around her wrist. "Hey!" She screamed pulling at the handcuffs. "I can't risk you warning the Joker." Batman said handcuffng her to the shifter. "Would I do a thing like that?" She smiled batting her eye lashes. Batman closed the car door locking her inside. "Hey, let me out!" She screamed.

Robin smiled at her and waved through the glass before taking his leave with the bat grapeling to the roof of the lounge. "Boy, you just can't trust some people." she sad to herslef pulling out the gun she had snatched out of the confessional shooting the batcuffs off.

"Please just make your ransom demands!" The mayor said tied upside down above the shark tank. "Oh, no ransom this time, Hammy." The clown said tapping on glass watching the large shark swim inside. "You can't mean..." The mayor said with a face of sheer terror.  
"This city is in desperate need of a face lift" Joker said walking over the dead bodies of penguins thugs to cobblepot who was strapped to a chair gagged and beaten pretty badly. "figured the best place to start with would be at my good friend cobblepots place i mean really what dump!" he grabbed a bottle of champagne off a table.

Joker popped the top and opened his mouth pouring it out and splashing it all over his face barely catching any in his mouth. "I mean come on an iceberg lounge? No no no. Im liking the idea of a fun house! A joker fun house would be so much more entertaining" He leaned up against penguin breaking the bottle over the table and poking the sharp broken bottle at the mans face, "Dont you agree?" Joker asked.

Penguin looked up at the mad man his green eyes terrifyingly placed onto his face. Joker stood up and walked over to a large object covered in a black sheet. "Although im afraid everything will have to go!" He smiled unveiling a large bomb. Penguin began trying to yell and fight back against his restraints.

"Batman" Robin whispered over the coms. "I know" batman replied perched atop a gargoyle statue over looking the situation unfolding below him. Joker ran a gloved hand through his green hair and adjusted his suit. "Lets celebrate!" He walked over to t he crane. "No please i did everything you asked!" The mayor pleaded. Joker laughed pressing a button lowering the mayor into the shark tank. "HELP!" The mayor screamed.  
A batarang flew into the control console stopping the mayor from plunging to his death. Joker smiled and looked to the shadows of the ceiling.

"Batman"


	3. Chapter 3

Joker pulled out a gun and began shooting at the dark knight fallowing him with robotic aim as he grappled among the gargoyles. Robin jumped out of a grate in the floor and snuck his way up to bomb. Joker lost track of the big bat and placed another round in the clip. "Where are you batsy!?" He asked aiming at the gargoyles.

Out of the darkness batman flew down straight into the joker kicking him in the chest and pinning him to the ground. Joker aimed the gun at the batmans face but swiftly received a punch in the nose that left him bleeding and giggling. Batman kicked the gun across the room.

Robin had exposed the wiring of the bomb and was carefully attempting to stop it. As joker laid there in the fetal position seemingly cringing in pain while he bled out onto the floor batman approached him. Oh the joy of the fun how nice it was to have your other half come and complete your little party. If he had truly only wanted to level the ice berg lounge and blow up the city up he would have done it much sooner.

Moments like these filled him with satisfaction. Joker pulled out a hand made detonator out from his jacked and pressed the button. As robin worked on the bomb suddenly it activated and began counting down from 10 minutes. "Shit" Robin said as the screen lit up in his face. "Oh dear God" The mayor panted still hanging upside down. With wide eyes Cobblepot got up still tied up and began to waddle away. "What have you done!?" Batman growled grabbing the detonator.

batman was cracked over the head with a heavy piece of metal and fell to the ground with a grunt. Joker looked up at the figure standing over him "Harley?" Joker grinned. "Miss me?" The blonde asked skipping over batmans body gun in hand taking hold of jokers hand and lifting him up to his feet.

"How did you escape from Arkham?" The clown prince smiled playing with the ends of her pigtails. " Batman sprung me so I could find you. Had me all locked up in his bad old car too." She said cuddling up to her man. Batman looked at the pair and growled not to long ago this nut was riding him like a horse.

Joker pulled out a gun and pointed it at batman as he began to get up. "Its been fun" the clown smiled. Batman braced himself for the impact of the bullet. In one move he aimed the gun else where and took fire shooting robin in the torso. He grinded his teeth as he fell to the floor holding his side. As small amount of blood dripping out from the newly formed hole in his armor.

"Robin!" Batman yelled. "Aw shut up" Harley complained shooting batman in the leg. Joker smiled at his gal giving batman what for. He pulled out his phone and made a call suddenly a helicopter burst through the glass ceiling lowering a ladder to the joker. "Come on baby we'll get to a safe altitude, then watch the fireworks" Joker said caressing his little harlequin.

The look of them together made the dark knight sick. "It's lucky you were here countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up" batman said. Harley was dumb founded by his words and looked on to her pale lover "You were gonna come back for me right puddin?" She asked.

Joker gave her a crooked smile and lies through his teeth " Of course, pumpkin pie... It's just that er well-" Batman looked off into the distance. Robin was hunched over working on the bomb still trying to disarm it. He looked back to the wayward couple and played to there weaknesses. "Don't forget ivy." batman reminded quin.

Joker shot batman his death glare for opening up his trap. Harleys eyes went wide and she yanked the clown prince by the purple lapels of his jacket. "We can't leave ivy!" she said shaking his madly. Joker bit his lip and cocked back his hand and slapped the woman off her feet. He grabbed the ladder and looked up signaling the pilot.

Harley landed next to the bat and opened her eyes to see him staring at her with anger and disgust. "You know bats I got a crazy idea Mr.J. May not be the guy for me after all." She smiled tears in her eyes from the slap as she helped batman to his feet.  
Joker took his leave as the helicopter began to rise. "Bye bye batsy!" He said smiling and waving at the pair. Batman pulled out a batarang and threw it at the bastard. It sliced right into his hand. He screamed and fell back twisting his leg into the rope ladder leaving him to dangle upside down. "Are you out of your mind!?" The clown screamed pulling the batarang out of his hand.

"Got it" Robin said cutting a wire disarming the bomb. "Hes getting away!" The mayor yelled out. "No hes not" Harley growled pulling out her gun. "Harley dont!" Batman yelled. She let off her bullets and watched as the joker began swinging around like a rattle snake trying to dodge the bullets. Harley had aimed at the ladder and shot it down sending the joker falling down.

He laid there groaning his legs at the very least were broken. Batman smiled on the inside although the stone faced facade couldnt show it he was relieved at least this time gotham would be free for at least 3 months til the jokers legs would heal. Harley and batman both stood and looked at each other. She hadnt killed joker and she stood there calm and collect.

"I guess you were right" batman said. "I was?" She question confuses "About what?" Batman gave her the ever so slightest smile "Enjoy the good times" he said. She smiled a gleam of the normal person she once was shone through in this moment. Robin elbowed her in the head knocking her out. "Crazy bitch" Robin said handcuffing her. batman stared at him wide eyed. "What?" robin asked not knowing what he did wrong.

"Oh puddin im sorry" she said rubbing her breasts in his face. Joker laid there in bed his legs in casts and hand stitched up wrapped in gauze. Harley snuggled up to him and ran her fingers through his hair. He growled with a look of fire at her. "Relax baby" she said pushing the button on his drip giving him more pain medicine... his growl turned into a deep hum as she worked her hand down lower into his pants while he sat back and let the medicine hit him and wash away all the anger.  
"Seems like there back to normal" The commissioner said looking through the two way glass. "You were worried?" He asked the shadow standing behind him. "Just checking up" Batman said.


End file.
